Momma said knock me out?

I’ve been threatened to be beat up several times. I’m talking about unprovoked threats from random people. It’s always dudes. So far no women have threatened to kick my ass. I’m not saying that they couldn’t just that it hasn’t happened yet. I’m sure women want to beat me up just as much as men do; it’s just that they were socialized not to verbalize these thoughts. Damn this gender-role fascist society that we live in! I hope that one day women feel just as comfortable threatening to beat my face in with a hair drier (or hammer, I’m not trying to say that women can’t wield hammers just as well as men). Maybe when Hilary’s president… More likely it will be when President JWOWW steps into office that I’ll get my first double X chromosome threat.

Right now it’s mostly dudes at gas stations and random homeless men that like to offer to kick my face in. I think it’s the gas fumes that make people more aggressive. One part gas fumes and one part Axe body spray is a recipe for some face bashing. As for the homeless, well they’re just a little bit crazy in the first part. Hell, if I were homeless, I’d start randomly threatening wimpy looking dudes with sort-of-hipster looking glasses too. You need something to distract you from your own body odor, that and the crippling depression.

I like that I have a face that people want to hit, but just indifferent enough to actually hit. I get all the fun of being randomly called an asshole, without any of the hassle of actually trying to defend myself from The Situation’s third cousin, The Condition. I’m just one more facial accessory away from actually getting into a fight. It looks like that monocle I’ve had my eye on (just one eye though) is going to have to wait until I take those self-defense classes.