Conan's final Tonight Show speech is really cool when typed out

No seriously, Conan's speech from his final Tonight Show appearance is really cool when written out with fantastic kinetic typography. You should watch it. On a side note, typography is really cool. That's all.

They're watching (or they will be after this evening)

My work is instituting content filtering this evening. I'm not sure how that will affect my days of gambling, porn watching, and hacking, while at work. We'll see if this changes the blog at all. Stay tuned. In the mean time, enjoy this video of a slow loris holding an umbrella (ay ay).

Shit just got real...

So today I'm reading the facebook (yes, I refer to Facebook like a 65 year-old grandmother would, deal with it) and came across this headline "South Dakota Moves To Legalize Killing Abortion Providers" and I immediately think "well, that's obviously fake and from the Onion. Turns out it's not fake. It's real. Let that sink in for a second (here is a picture of me right when the headline sank in). In other news, Congress is attempting to de-fund Planned Parenthood. Rep. Mike Pence (R-Ind.) has introduced H.R. 217, which would deny federal family-planning funds under Title X to groups that offer abortion access (AKA Planned Parenthood).

Yep, people are so concerned about "babies" before they're born, yet once they pop out (I'm told that babies "pop out" and anyone that says differently is wrong) no one cares about them. Thankfully, Steven Colbert sees that once babies are born, that's when the problem starts. Check out his "Enemy Within" piece on toddlers.

And this is how Judgement Day starts...

IBM's super-computer Watson appeared on Jeopardy last night for the first part of a three-day contest versus two human competeators (Ken Jennings who has 74 straight wins, and all-time Jeopardy champ Brad Rutter). After last-night's show, Watson is tied with Brad Rutter with $5,000 each and Jennings is in third place with $2,000.

I can't help but feel this is exactly what Sarah Connor (of the Terminator franchise) was fearful of; a computer that starts to think like a human (also, if you haven't watched the Sarah Connor Chronicles, you should). I have a feeling that this article from McSweeney's, "Watson, The "Jeopardy!" Supercomputer, Sizes Up One His Opponents Before the Show.", is a pretty accurate account of what went down right before the show started. If you don't believe me that Watson is going to rule us all one day, check out the video of the practice round below.

If your cat uses the bathroom outside, spy on them, then dig up their stool.

I have a cat, but I often times have questions about them like, "Are cats natural manicurists?" "Who taste-tests cat food?" and "Who do you call if a cat gets stuck in a tree?" Well, thanks to the magic of the interweb, and some re-editing of an old VHS called From Cats to Kittens, I now know the answers these questions and more. I also know that the host is very odd, and the fashion of the 1980s was awesome (apparently cocaine is a hell of a drug).

I could use some menergy today

Damn, Tuesday sucks. It's the pretty much the worst day of the week (Monday sucks too). At least Monday has some residual weekend fun on it. For example "man, last weekend was so much fun! I can't believe I got to go swimming with dolphin! The best part was when they ate Tyra Banks. Weekends rule!" That's how I roll (sorry that I just wrote "that's how I roll").

On Tuesdays, all that fun is gone. You're stuck wishing for a snow day that never comes (come on DC, give me one snow day this year!), or trying plan for the weekend which seems 3 years away. Tuesdays suck, all day it's like having that "2:30 feeling" (thanks 5-Hour Energy for introducing that into my vocabulary). Days like Tuesday require gratuitous amounts of energy. In lieu of that, here's the Powerthirst video.

Aflockalypse: SOLVED

We've all heard about the Aflockalypse (the thousands of birds dying off in Arkansas and elsewhere). There have been many theories as to why this is happening. SNL proposed that it was bird on fish sex that caused the mass culling. The repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell has been blamed (obviously). A random crazy dude thinks that BP's reckless drilling for oil is the cause (again, duh). These maybe crazy (except for the BP one), but the truth is out there.

To find the truth we need to look at what we know about birds and what we know about Arkansas. Well, birds lay eggs and they can be protective of them. Arkansas is home of the University of Arkansas Razorbacks, which has a pig (it's more of a boar, but close enough) as a mascot. Therefore, the only reasonable conclusion is that the pigs of Arkansas stole the birds' eggs, and they died flinging themselves at the pigs in order to get their eggs back. If you're still confused, check out the video below.

Momma said knock me out?

I’ve been threatened to be beat up several times. I’m talking about unprovoked threats from random people. It’s always dudes. So far no women have threatened to kick my ass. I’m not saying that they couldn’t just that it hasn’t happened yet. I’m sure women want to beat me up just as much as men do; it’s just that they were socialized not to verbalize these thoughts. Damn this gender-role fascist society that we live in! I hope that one day women feel just as comfortable threatening to beat my face in with a hair drier (or hammer, I’m not trying to say that women can’t wield hammers just as well as men). Maybe when Hilary’s president… More likely it will be when President JWOWW steps into office that I’ll get my first double X chromosome threat.

No more Fiji Water? How about Cleveland Water?

Fiji Water is leaving Fiji. This will put hundreds of Fijians (is that right?) out of work, but who cares about that? Not me. I'm more concerned about where the company is going to move to and what they may change their name to. 


My suggestion: Cleveland. Here's why: 1) They're on the banks of the luxurious Lake Erie. 2) They're desperate for jobs. 3) Tropical islands in the South Pacific are so out (sorry Tonga). The public is craving more rust belt middle America. 4) Cleveland really needs this right now. They just lost their #1 industry (LeBron James)


Here's a promo video for Cleveland and see what Fiji Water could have:

Look at a map and learn where you live.

Here's a cool map. It rearranges the globe so thats countries with large populations correspond with counties that have a large geographic area. Another cool thing about the map, the USA stays where it's at (so does Ireland, and Yemen, but who cares about them?). America, FUCK YEAH!

Tomorrow's Election Day, VOTE!

If you're like me and live in DC, you may have thought that the election was over after the Democratic primary settled the mayoral race. This is not the case however. There are other important issues that need your attention. Plus, you can either come in late to work, or leave early to vote. Seriously, talk to your boss, and unless they're a huge asshole, they'll let you come in late/leave early. Also, it's your civil duty and all that jazz.


Here's a handy last minute guide to voting that was posted on lifehacker.com. I'm not a blogger, I'm you.