Your Three Hour Work Week Holiday Gift Guide

I'm late on this, I know, but here's your official Three Hour Work Week Holiday gift guide (remember this is the only official guide, don't be fooled by imitators). Here's how this gift guide works: I'll give you one present idea for a category of person (mom, sibling, parent of small child, illegal alien, etc.). I have not done the research on if the items I've linked to are the best price out there, or if they are legal, or if they're actually real and not a goof. I do nothing as a profession and I'm not about to exert myself pro bono. Got it? Good. Here we go:


Mom: If your mom's like my mom, then she's going through that change in life called menopause (I know, it is fun to think about). Why not celebrate that change in life with the Golden Tampon Lifetime Achievement Award? Now, it doesn't look like these are for sale anywhere, but it seems like it'd be easy to make your own after only a trip to Michaels and CVS. Bonus: Mom's love hand-made gifts (it means that they're from the heart <3).

Dad: We don't want to acknowledge that our parent's are sexual beings, you wouldn't be here if they weren't (unless you're a weird test tube baby, you freak). Your dad may feel left out after you present your mom with her golden tampon, so why not get him something that celebrates his manhood? Nothing says "manhood" like a Testicle Plush. Bonus: it looks like Elvis and like it's made of blue velvet, so if you're dad's into either Elvis, or weird-ass David Lynch movies, then it's a double whammy (triple whammy if he's into both).

Brother: My brother loves Star Wars. He also loves pervy-things. How is it possible to combine these great loves of his? Simple, buy him a C-3PO Tape Dispenser. Well, that may not seem too pervy for your brother, so how about this Tauntaun Sleeping Bag? On second thought, maybe I should get that for my brother. It's the only time he'll ever get to sleep with a female (even if it's a fictional animal).

Sister: If you have a sister, then chances are they like vampires.Whether it's Twilight, True Blood, or Buffy (the best of the three by far), all women love vampires (Three Hour Work Week: come for the dumb videos, stay for the sexist generalizations!). Make sure to pick up these Cold Blooded Vampire Fangs Ice Tray for your sister. Bonus: if your sister loves drinking as much as mine does, then she won't even care that the fangs look a little stupid, she'll just be focused on the booze in her cup.

In-laws: In-laws are lame. You shouldn't get them a present, however, you're going to have to. So show them how much you care by giving them a book of Jewel's poetry. Why not? Just say that you saw it on Oprah or something and you thought they'd like it. Bonus: Once they open it, make them read one of the poems aloud to the family to make them feel stupid. Isn't being an asshole fun? Yes, it is fun.

Husband: Give your husband lottery tickets, because he's already so lucky that he has you (sound of hearts melting). Just kidding, buy him this mouse pad. Tell him that after you searched his browser's history, these are the only "breasts" he'll be touching for a long time.

Wife: Get your wife this:
 
After she opens the present, remember that if she laughs, it's only because she thinks the present is funny. NO OTHER REASON (keep telling yourself that).

Happy Holidays!